Oh hey, it’s been a while…
And I’m going through some changes.
I guess we all change a little every day, don’t we?
WELL, I NEED MORE CHANGES – BIGGER CHANGES.
TMI interjection – I’m pms-ing and emotional as fuck, which started this whole post to begin with, which may turn into a ranting-melodramatic-blah-whatever-post… Buckle your seat-belts boys & girls – you’re in for a long one. Hah.
So, on that note, let’s ramp up these mixed emotions & start with some gratitude:
I am so very grateful for my family & my friends! I feel like I can’t see them enough & can’t say “I love you” enough! <3 <3
I am grateful for my job, which is super easy and pays very well. I am grateful I work around a group of people who appreciate me and we all get along (not like I didn’t have this in my other jobs, but still, it’s really nice to have).
I am so grateful for my little car. She is so good to me. (:
I am so grateful I am financially independent and sound. I am grateful that I am able to pay double rent (last month at the old place and first month at the new place) and it doesn’t put me in a hole. I am so grateful I have never missed or been late on a payment to any credit card/rent/bill/bank/etc. I am so grateful I have a savings account. I am so very grateful I bought myself Invisalign!! I am so grateful I never worry about if I can afford food or gas. I am so grateful I am being a fairly responsible adult.
I am so mother-fucking grateful I am about to move into a townhouse closer to the heart of downtown and close to all the places I frequent and out of the fucking east side and with a cool new roommate who seems super chill and is easy to get along with. I am so grateful I am going to be living with someone again. I love the contrast of living alone sometimes and living with people other times. I am so grateful for contrast and how quickly life changes.
I am so fucking grateful for intimacy and orgasms. And sex puns. :P
I am so grateful to be inspired by myself and by others. I am surrounded by so many talented and thriving people and it inspires me to do so much with my life! Literally, as I typed that last sentence, my eyes started to prick with happy tears and my heart started to race with joy. I am so grateful for life and all of the possibilities I have and get to witness in others. I have a drive/pull for more and more and more. I always want more, to learn more, to create more, to be more, to strive more, to change more, to love more.
I am so grateful that I have CHOICES. I can choose what I want to eat and wear, what I want to purchase and where I want to work, where I want to go to school, where I want to hang out with friends, where I want to spend time alone. I am grateful that I can feel proud of most of the choices I make.
I am so grateful that next month is my 1 year victory! I am so grateful for anniversaries of awesomeness, like I’ll be 3 years vegan in October and 5 years cigarette free in December! I am so proud of myself for these accomplishments!
I am so grateful for self-love. You need to love yourself first before you can know how to love someone else fully.
I am so grateful for reflection. Looking over my past – the places I’ve worked, the friends I’ve made, the people I’ve dated, the places I’ve been, the drugs I’ve done.. I can’t change any of it, and honestly I wouldn’t because all of together it makes me exactly who I am today and I am happy to be me. (:
So this is where the questions of “who the fuck am I at the core?” and “what the fuck am I doing with my life?” come in..
Like I mentioned above, I have this drive/pull to do more, but what do I want to do? I have so many interests and sometimes it seems impossible to pick a career out of them. Which is why I have two unfinished degrees in Architectural Engineering and International Business.. And now I kind of want to go back to school, but I don’t know 100% what I want to go back to school for.
Job wise, I want to go back into nonprofit work because it was SO FULFILLING and it kept me active – mind & body. (I don’t like sitting at a desk and behind a computer all day – I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life & I literally can’t or I will go insane.) I want to focus again on the environment and human rights through some type of nonprofit work. I am still very politically active and want that to be more of my job in general and not just something I do in the down-time at my current job. But I want to keep my current salary so that I can keep my current worry-free lifestyle. And unfortunately, I know that I would not have the same money flowing with nonprofit work.. not with the canvasser lifestyle anyway. And I know that I got super burnt out on canvassing, so I don’t think I want to do that type of non-profit work again. What are my options?! Tell me!
Also job wise, I want to focus on fitness/nutrition. This has always been a HUGE part of my life. I eat healthy and get in shape, then I get out of shape by being lazy and binging on emotions. I spent the last year overcoming a major battle that I have been fighting for years and I am SO PROUD of myself for this, but I still have a long way to go and I feel like if I focused on this for my career/school that it would instill my ideals and my personal accomplishments even further into my lifestyle and heart. Maybe it doesn’t have to be my career, but I would love for it to be! I want to share my accomplishments with others who need the motivation to get to wherever they want to be.
Honestly though, I really want to just get the fuck out of Austin, but then again, I don’t want to leave this great city. I don’t know if that means that I need to travel more or what… I love the city, the people, my friends, my family, everything. But I also want to go SO BADLY. I want to get a job in a different part of the world. I want to travel all over the world. I want to go to school in a different part of the world. I want to get out, but still have the comfort of home. I want a permanent apt/house in central Austin, and be able to leave for months at a time knowing that everything will still be there when I get back. And I want to have the time/resources to create too – I want to be able to express myself through art and writing and dance and any other outlet that tickles my fancy. I want bookoos of cash and endless hours so that I can do all of this effortlessly! … I guess you have to play the lottery to win, huh?
Bah, back to reality – should I go back to school for nonprofit management and/or personal fitness and/or nutrition? I think that would be the ULTIMATE career – working part-time at a nonprofit for human rights and/or environmental justice and part-time as a personal fitness/nutrition trainer. Can this be my little niche in the world?! THIS IS AN ATTAINABLE GOAL, RIGHT? .. I suppose anything is an attainable goal if you want it bad enough and are willing to put in the effort..
But then my head proceeds to flip out on money – “you just signed a new lease!, do you really want to have to pay back school loans?, what about FAFSA?, do you make too much money now to qualify for grants?, what about scholarships?, what school year should I apply for – fall 2015?, do you even need to go back to school to be able to reach your career goals?!?!” …
Then my heart jumps into my throat – “OMG, are you really going to do this?!, are you sure this is what you really want?!, I guess you don’t know until you try – right?!, but what if you just end up wasting time & money like the last 2 times you tried to go to college?!, again – are you sure you need college to reach your career goals?!, and again – are you sure this is what you want?!, UGHHHH – but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life behind a fucking desk and computer – no matter how good the pay is – my soul won’t be fulfilled with any type of basic administrative job!”
And then the break down beings –
WTF do I want to do with my life?!
Is this current idea I have for a career/college change what I truly need/want?!
How do I even get started in making the change, or any change?!
How do I answer these possibly rhetorical and inner-personal-growth questions?!
Breathe. Damnit. I am so grateful for breath. <3