September(ish) Scoop!

October 8th, 2014 Posted in Thoughts & Thanks | No Comments »

Yay! It’s October now! That means Halloween & Sean/Laura’s BAD ASS Halloween party at the end of the month! :D

So, between my last update at the end of August and me typing this right now…

1. I’m still attending the Austin Poetry Slam at Spider House Ballroom every Tuesday with Craig & I continue to find myself in tears every fucking time at the raw beauty and open honesty of it all. <3 Ugh, endless good feels.

2. I celebrated my one-year anniversary at the Law Office! One of my bosses even bought me flowers and vegan cupcakes to show the love & I most definitely feel it! <3 Also, they have been giving me wayy more work, like actual legal work, which keeps me busy and engaged. (: I’m a happy little legal assistant right now.

3. I finally bought a new duvet cover for my bed!!! I got rid of my old one back in April when my ex and I separated because it was all memory soaked – you know how that goes. Anyway, I LOVE my new one & am SO VERY happy that I can finally be comforted again by my big fluffy comforter just in time for winter. <3

4. I dealt with some family drama/issues, which is always a blast. (Sarcasm font – why do you not exist yet?) But things are getting better, I think, and I am happy that the people close to me are making important positive changes in their lives to better themselves. (: I am very proud of them and I love them indefinitely. <3 (I know I’m being vague here, but I’m not here to air my family’s “dirty laundry,” just my own, haha.)

5. Speaking of dirty laundry though… the MOST RIDICULOUS thing is happening in my life right now. A few months ago I moved into this adorable little townhome off Manchaca/S. Lamar that I absolutely love, but my PSYCHO ROOMMATE is KICKING ME OUT OF MY OWN HOME WHERE WE SPLIT ALL BILLS 50/50 because I am -get this – “TOO SEXUAL” of a person for him. HAHAHAHA, yes, you read that correctly. Apparently, the sex that I have ONCE A WEEK (maybe twice on a good week) with the SAME PERSON makes me a “sexual deviant” in his eyes and it’s “off-putting” and “disgusting” to live with and I need to “class myself up.” BAHAHAHAHAH. I am not even joking – these are direct quotes & I have the text messages to prove it. So yeah, I’m currently looking for a new place to live (most likely alone again, for self explanatory reasons) and will be moving on Nov. 1st. If you are a friend and have a truck *nudge nudge, hint hint* I love you forever for helping me. (;

6. I went on a lovely beach trip with an awesome group of people that I am so grateful to know! We rented a condo in Port Aransas and stayed there for 4 days/ 3 nights. It was gray most of the time we were there, & the beach was… well – it’s the Gulf Coast, aka the armpit of America. :P If you’ve been, you know. We all had a great time though! The first night we made a large bonfire on the beach and the other two nights we stayed in and hung out with each other and laughed and played cards and such. It was really relaxing trip. I read through almost 3 books and we were sober for about zero percent of the time, hahah, it was exactly what we all needed.

7. I sincerely wanted to go to the Gay Pride Parade downtown (I went last year and LOVED it!), but I totally slept through it this year on accident. /: My heart and spirit were there though! <3

8. I attended the People’s Climate March (we started at the Capitol and walked through downtown while chanting and holding signs) with a bunch of my TCE friends! This was a nation-wide event that collected about 400,000 people in NYC alone! The event was created to bring awareness and make a statement about the severity of the climate crisis that somehow people are STILL denying and/or not addressing! I am so very grateful that I was able to be a part of the march this year!

 

9. I started jogging with Craig’s dog, Molly! We run together almost every day (Monday-Friday) after I get off work. She is the absolute BEST DOG! She is so sweet and obedient and full of love! I love her to pieces and I am so happy I have a little motivational running partner. (: I have a feeling I will be a dog owner myself in the near-ish future.. either that or I will continue to constantly borrow the love & affection from my friend’s dogs, haha. <3

9. I had a FANTASTIC tarot card reading by one of my neighbors. I’ve never had such a revealing and in-depth reading from someone who knew absolutely nothing about me! (Jessica & Kelly, I need a reading asap to compare!)

10. I bought a dresser from my friend, Amy! I haven’t had one in years and it is SO NICE to have a real place to put all my clothes (and my make-up and incense, haha)! Plus, since she is moving & is awesome, I got a great dresser for just $20!

11. I joined the online dating world. HAHAHA. Yep. I bit the bullet and crafted a profile and put pictures up and everything. To be honest, it’s not half bad, but the beginning was OVERWHELMING! I was BOMBARDED with messages and 95% of them were ones that I was definitely NOT interested in reading. It’s calmed down a bit now and I’ve been on a few dates, but that’s about it. Haha, I’m not really sure why I’m using it anyway because I am smitten with someone at the moment (& have been for the last few months), but we are in an “open-ish relationship,” so I guess I am just keeping my opportunities open like he is. (?) Plus, all the awkwardness that comes in the online dating realm makes for a funny conversation topic. :b

12. Lastly, I recently watched Cloud Atlas and it blew me away! There was so much synchronicity with different conversations I’ve been having and all the déjà vu I’ve been getting lately and it made me feel warm fuzzies because I do my best to live my life leading with my heart & love first. It also really got me thinking again about plans for my future career(s) and being a bigger part of the revolution for equality of all people and land. Why this is still an issue endlessly baffles me, but I am more than willing to spend my life being a large cog in the machine of progress!

Well, that’s about it for now, my loves! I hope you all are enjoying the fuck out of your lives! <3 XoXo

10.03.2014

October 6th, 2014 Posted in Photos Of Me | No Comments »

Duality of Self

September 30th, 2014 Posted in My Writing | No Comments »

Duality of Self by Betty Leigh Verbeke

 

lately, when I spend time in a group of friends

whether it’s with 3 people or 15

I subconsciously count another there

an extra being, or a thick shadow of one

the first time it happened, I was hanging out with two friends at their apartment

we were all seated around a table and I kept sensing that there was someone sitting right next to me

like there was an imaginary barstool with a body resting on it

I could feel their presence, their vibrations

after glancing to my right multiple times trying to see this invisible thing that I felt,

I decided my mind was just playing tricks on me

however, as the night unfolded, the figment of a figure stayed there with us

and I realized that I was somehow switching views with this presence

I was viewing myself from a different perspective,

an outside perspective that I could also feel from the inside view

I was splitting in two and I was literally sitting next to myself

sometimes I would be in my body recognizing my other outside half

and sometimes I would be my other outside half recognizing my body

it sounds insane, I know.. but let me try to explain a little with this:

we are not our thoughts

we are not that little voice inside our heads that keeps us up at night

well, technically, that is us, but that is just a part of us, that voice is just the ego talking

the true us is outside of the ego, it’s the universal us, it’s the everything else that recognizes that little voice

now that we have those terms, the ego self and the universal self, I’ll continue with my story

when I’m in my separate self, my universal self, I’m viewing my own body

I’m watching my movements and I’m watching my ego speak in autopilot on my behalf

my ego self is the girl who was confused as to what the presence was in the beginning of this story

when I’m my universal self, my higher-self, I’m connected to everything

I’m able to view myself from the universal perspective

in those moments, I’m my truest self because I’m the universe literally viewing itself

I’m everything that is and was and ever will be staring into the mirrored reflection of my own creation

and I’m able to appreciate the volnerable skin & bone self that I’m creating

it’s the best work of art I’ve created thus far, and it’s still in the process of being created

it’s the me that is alive and represents the entirity of the universe through the Betty Leigh Verbeke experience

I’m able to see all that I’ve gone through that makes what I’ve currently become

and I can see small projections of where I’m possibly going in the future

the most fascinating part of the duality dynamic is I can’t feel when I switch from one perspective to the other,

whether I’m in body or out of body, I’m still fully me both times, so the transition is seamless

my ego self is able to feel my universal self watching me at the same time that my universal self is observing my ego self live and speak and be me and everything at once

the time I’m able to really tell the difference is when I can feel every single one of the countless number of stars flooding my mouth and veins that seem to have no ends, and then in the next moment I can only feel the stars surrounding me in a blanket of knowledge and love and understanding

when my ego speaks alone, when I’m watching my ego talk from my universal perspective, I can see all the words are saturated with déjà vu

I can see all the little memories that created the ego soaked into every syllable,

just like my pillows and clothes were with your scent when we used to fall asleep together, tangled with each other

when my ego speaks, I hear you on all of the consonants, whether hard or soft, you’re there

the former us, we are there

what we were and why we aren’t anymore, it’s all there

my universe self sits in the spot where you used to stand

I’m viewing myself from where you used to see me and where you used to love me

I question if I now feel myself more than ever split into these two separate but same parts of me because I’m filling the void of where you used to be,

of where you left that empty space when we said goodbye,

the space that I technically created because I was the one who ended it the second time

yet you still take up so much fucking space in my day to day ego driven thoughts and in my universal heart that I’m starting to share with someone new

this someone who is absolutely wonderful and can see my ego self and my universal self as one and can appreciate her in the everything that she is

and I can see his duality of self as well, and I know I appreciate all the galaxies that we share and all the black holes that our egos get lost in

yet somehow I’m stuck wondering why you can’t see me at all anymore

but I guess it’s for the best

I fully trust the universe

I know that it’s unfolding perfectly and that everything is working out exactly as it should

I know this because the ego self and universe self are both me and we are everything that is and was and ever will be and this is all just part of our Betty Leigh Verbeke experience

Merman

September 3rd, 2014 Posted in My Writing | No Comments »

Merman by Betty Leigh Verbeke

 

to the man I met on land

who asked me out for a swim…

 

we drove to the coast & shed our clothes

we walked naked into the ocean

eyes open & arms wide

letting the sea swallow us whole

 

we willingly sank to the bottom, unafraid

we danced with the clams & let the salt water fill our lungs full

we grew gills & held hands,

exploring the dark unknown together

 

we laughed

we played hide & seek in the coral reefs

we sprouted scaled tails & you braided my hair with seaweed

 

we had no definite plans for the future & we had endless time

yet somehow, anticipation found us there at the bottom of the ocean

 

maybe it was the shimmer of that sailboat you spotted

or maybe it was the memory of sunshine between our toes,

either way, we decided to surface again

 

once back on land, our gills disappeared & our tails split at their ends

oxygen refilled our lungs & it was a pleasurable burn

our fingers unfurled from one another & we took separate paths off the shore

gaze now focused anew on the city,

no longer lost in our sweet adventure through the depths of the sea

 

today, visiting the beach is a different kind of fun

the friends I bring like to splash and play chase the waves

without words, “it’s too risky to dive deep,” is what we say to each other

instead we build sandcastles & smile

we let the sun shine between our toes

 

but when I dream, I repeatedly swim back into the coral caverns, seeking my hiding Merman

the memory allows me to hear the bubbles we made while laughing

when I awake, I find salt in my ears & dried seaweed braided in my hair

 

I wonder if one day I will find another man who likes to dance with the clams

 

 

Art #66

September 2nd, 2014 Posted in My Art | No Comments »

Saturday (8/30/14) I hiked Twin/Sculpture/Hidden Falls.

It’s a few miles of what used to be rushing waterfalls in Southwest Austin.

An extension of Barton Creek Greenbelt.

Don’t get me wrong, even though it’s basically dry, it’s still an absolute gorgeous hike.

I got “lost” for a few hours (2p-6p), just wandering around.

Laying down in the shade or sun.

Listening to the wind, my breath, the leaves, and the phantom waterfalls.

I hiked probably close to 12 miles.

& I took my sketch book with me as my companion.

Art #65

September 2nd, 2014 Posted in My Art | No Comments »

Art #64

September 2nd, 2014 Posted in My Art | No Comments »

Art #63

September 2nd, 2014 Posted in My Art | No Comments »

Dreaming of change .. & the Peace Corps! <3

 

Run-On Sentences – AKA – My Life Right Now

August 27th, 2014 Posted in Thoughts & Thanks | No Comments »

Time for an update in the world of Betty Leigh Verbeke!  (:  Get ready for some longgg run-on sentences.  Haha.  Yeahhhh.  Thought-streaming is what this is.  Enjoy!

1.             I’ve been living at my new place for a little over a month now and completely love it.  My roommate is super chill and easy to live with.  He is clean and has a great sense of humor and has introduced me to some fantastic music.  We are really comfortable with each other & it feels like we have be living together for much longer than we really have.  We both run different and busy schedules which allows us to have our time alone when we need it.  I really appreciate that.  This last weekend, I finally finished hanging up all of the art in the new place and now it feels even more like my home.  I’m still wanting to buy curtains and a new duvet comforter set, but those will surely come over the next few weeks.

2.            I haven’t heard anything back from the Peace Corps application yet.  I have tried to contact their recruiting office in Dallas 3 times now, but I have been disconnected every time, so I feel like I should let things unfold naturally.  I know the Universe is taking care of me, so I’ll just let it roll this Peace Corps thought around in its mouth for however long it wants to savor the idea.  (:  What I find a tad concerning is that my friend who has been a paramedic for a few years was denied his application because he doesn’t have a 4-year degree.  I also do not have a 4-year degree, instead I have 4 years of college with 2 unfinished degrees.  HAH.  And for now, I don’t plan on going back to school because (after many in-depth conversations with multiple people) I still don’t see the point in spending a bunch of time and money for some temporary knowledge to pass some tests to earn a fancy piece of paper to put in a frame to hang on a wall if I’m still not entirely sure what I want to do with my life and if I will even need that piece of paper to get where I want to go.  Actually, I probably do need it, but I’ll figure that out later.  Right now it’s just a back-burner idea while I live my life in the present.

3.            It’s been over 4 months since my ex and I broke up and about 6 weeks since we’ve seen each other and I truthfully want to say that everything has healed and I’ve moved on and I hope he has done the same.. and I suppose, for the most part, I can truthfully say that.. but I also sometimes catch myself lost in sweet memories of “us” and it makes me feel like I have cotton filling my chest cavity like a child’s favorite stuffed animal that they squeeze too tight when they are in bed alone at night in the dark and I have to learn how to breathe through it.  So there’s that.  Also, on Sept. 2nd it will be exactly one year from the day I met him.  That blows my mind that I fell in love so deep and so fast and it feels like it lasted so long but not nearly long enough and we made such a connection that his ghost rests in my bones with the rest of my past’s spirits.  Ohhh deep love, you’re such a wonderful thing.  I can’t wait to find you again.

4.            I celebrated my one-year anniversary on July 24th of quitting a terrible habit and dealing with the ups and downs of reality appropriately instead of taking it out on my body with guilt and self-loathing.  Yikes, that sounds really terrible.. So to be black and white about it, I stopped eating my emotions and then vomiting them back up.  (Wow.  That too sounds kind of terrible, but it also feels really freeing and terrifying to admit on my public blog when I know there are probs going to be people reading this who know me but don’t know this about me.  So.. Surprise!  I’ve dealt with some heavy shit and I overcame it because I’m a badass!  Haha.)

5.            In the same food-related-realm as the previous paragraph, after the last 3 years of being vegan, I started eating non-vegan things on occasion and I’m deciding not to feel guilty about it.  For the most part.  I suppose part of ridding myself of that guilt is being open about it.  In short, sometimes I crave fish or eggs, so I go get sushi or a breakfast taco every now and then and I enjoy it.  It’s my conscious decision and I know by doing so I am putting my taste buds above my morals and I am probably supporting a terrible industry that is abusing animals and destroying ecosystems.  But maybe all the restaurants I go to in Austin are awesome and don’t purchase from such horrid corporations?  Eehh, maybe some, but def not all of them.. quick, someone call the Vegan Police!

6.            I went to my first ever Quidditch Tournament and really really enjoyed it!  I met some awesome people and animals.  (:  I loved seeing the friendly competition and incredible athleticism and agility and skill and determination and shit-talking and strength and stamina and yeah! (Growing up with 10 years of dance, I didn’t have this.  Though I do appreciate dance and what it did for me, I wish I would have participated in sports instead.  Aah, maybe in the next life?)  Everyone I met was open and chill and hearing the people on the side-lines talk was extremely entertaining.  Esp listening to the older couples (I’m assuming parents of the players) debate over the game and explain the rules to each other.  Haha, I think I could explain it to anyone at this point & I never even finished the Harry Potter series.  Shhhh, don’t tell anyone!

7.            I’ve been seeing a lot of improv at the Hideout Theatre I’m seriously impressed with these talented actors who off-the-cuff make up great shows.

8.            I went to the Austin Chronicle Hot Sauce Festival for the second year.  If you know me, you know I LOVE SPICY FOODS.  This year it was only 104 outside instead of 112 like last year, & those few degrees made a huge difference. I went with Jeff and Renee and some of their friends and we tried probably over 60 hot sauces. Our last line to walk through was deemed the “Line o’ Death” and oh my goodness some of those were dangerously spicy.  I’m surprised I didn’t get a chemical burn on my tongue from trying so many, but I did get a nice little endorphin high!  Haha.

9.            I curled by hair again!  I’m still kind of in after-shock because it’s a few inches shorter and REALLY CURLY and I don’t really know how to handle it, but it’s growing on me.  Literally.  Hah.  I remember loving it last time I did it and this time I really wanted to curl it because I was in a “I need to change everything in my life as much as possible” mode and now I’m not so sure I would have made the choice if I would have waited a little longer, but I’m beautiful either way, so whatever.  Haha.  Did you know Humility is my middle name?  :P

10.         I started running again!  Exercise releases the most wonderful endorphins into your brain!  Yeah, it’s a fact.  Science.  FTW!  Haha.  :b  Anddd runner’s high is easily the best high.  After a run, I not only feel better about myself and am proud of myself, I also get a fuzzy-coated-synapse-feeling that is quasi-orgasmic.  I’ve been running 4-5 days a week for the last 4 (going on 5!) weeks!  Oh, and there is the bonus of losing weight and gaining muscle too.

11.         Another ritual I’ve been committed to the last 5 weeks is attending the Austin Poetry Slam every Tuesday like I used to (it’s crazy to think I’ve been going to this on and off since like 2010/2011ish).  But oh my good feels, talk about a fuzzy-coated-synapse-feeling!  The everything that comes seeing and hearing absolute raw beautiful truth gut-twisting honest heart-wrenching secrets being shared in an intimate setting with talent and strength and vulnerability brings me to tears literally every fucking time.  Unfff, I can’t get enough!  Those wordsmiths know how to tell it & they tell it so fucking good.  If you’ve never been, please please please go and give yourself that experience.  Tuesdays, 8:30p, Spiderhouse Ballroom.  I hope I see you there.  I might even buy you a drink.  (:

12.         I’m journaling all. the. time. Whether it’s art or poetry or just thoughts or scribbles or blog posts that I don’t post or blog posts that I do post or whatever, I’m doing it.  This self-expression thing is a great way to.. well, express myself.  Haha.  I digg it!

13.         && on that tangent of self-expression above, I’m slowly but surely gaining my independence and confidence again to tackle the world head on and on my own.  It’s surprisingly easy to live a sub life, but I used to be a dom & I’m rebuilding that idea in a different way now and I like how things are turning out.  I’m getting to be more and more balanced & so is my life.  Thanks Science/Universe/Mama Nature/Higher Power/Insert-Name-Here for this life and how it’s unfolding absolutely perfectly!  <3

14.         Idk if he would approve of me using his name, so.. I’ve been hanging out with my friend for a few months now, and I am really enjoying it.  Like, more than a lot.  (:  I think that we connect really well on some levels and that we are going through similar situations and can empathize with each other and have fairly mutual thoughts on what is happening and enjoying each other and sharing each other and I am grateful and happy and feel pretty fulfilled that I have that with him and I am hoping/guessing he would say the same.  Plus, the laughing and good looks and sweetness and orgasms and silliness and fun adventures and spoiling and differences in our personalities and being ourselves and being comfortable and feeling understood and open and vulnerable and and and etc. etc. etc.  Yeahh, the list keeps going and it’s all pretty fucking great.

15.         I’ve been catching up with and chillin’ with different new and old friends and with my family because I have had some more free time and have given myself a very engaging and diverse social life since my ex and I split ways and I feel pretty satiated and fulfilled outside of the workplace and that feels phenomenal.  <3  Making new male friends has been somewhat interesting though because I am a very open person and can connect with just about anybody and enjoy connecting with just about anybody, but some can take that as me wanting to connect on a different type of level.  And yes, I know that I am a sexually driven person and technically I am not in a committed relationship, so I am open to connect with people on that level, but I don’t necessarily want to at this point in time unless it feels right.  Did you read #14, the paragraph before this one?  Haha.  Anyway, I guess I’m saying I’m finding it difficult to define boundaries and lines with new friends when I do my best to go into all interactions with love and openness.  It’s like there has to be an awkward moment where clarity is made..  For some reason I feel like that shouldn’t have to happen, but maybe it does?  I am not really sure how to do this yet – clarify things with people.  The sentence I try to form in my mouth is something like “I just want to be a platonic friend with you right now, but that isn’t necessarily how I will always feel as I get to know you more” and that sounds so weird, so I never end up saying it.  But I’m learning.  I’d like to talk about this topic more with people so I can get different opinions and input besides the most common “well maybe you just shouldn’t hang out with them if it’s so awkward” because that isn’t the answer I’m looking for.

16.         Back to speaking of the workplace and tossing in some awkwardness, things are good at the law office, but have been a tad bit “off” lately.  Idk how to explain it, but I feel like the air is different and the vibes have changed.  I understand that totally happens naturally over time, but lately it’s been kind of forced and yeah..  Maybe it’ll clear?  Either way, I am about to celebrate my one-year anniversary at the office on Sept. 16th, so that’s cool!

Okk, I think this incredibly long post covers basically everything that’s been happening as of late.  It does feel really good to do an overview like this.  It’s eye-opening and I have a deeper appreciation and understanding for my experiences when I relay them like this.  You should try it.  (:  & if you read through all of it, thanks for reading!  I love you!  <3 <3 <3

08.10.14

August 11th, 2014 Posted in Photos Of Me | No Comments »

finalllyyy cut & curls <3